I Quit

A Very Happy New Year to all! What a wonderful year it has been, I am blessed. There have been ups and downs, there's been turbulence; but all in all - it's been a great time in my life. There were moments just a couple years ago when I was certain that I was being chewed up and spit out. Sometimes I was afraid to wake up in the morning, sometimes I didn't want the morning to come. I do not mean this in a morbid way, but I think we all know that feeling - when it's all just too much. Time for a break, before I snap.  I pulled myself together in any way, shape or form I could. I took the worst situations I could possibly imagine and tried to find something good, something to make everything okay. I say this as a mother, because none of this was for myself. Perhaps that was my biggest mistake.

I guess that is what makes this time in my life different from back then. I needn't spell it out, but life does not revolve around cleaning up someone else's mess. Life is what and where I choose, and it's now. I cannot change anyone but me, and that's just fine, but I digress. I cannot give anything back if I am not taking care of myself. Oh my, is this an Al-Anon meeting or what? Sorry.

This post was supposed to be about quitting. New Year's Resolutions. I have none. I did the one thing I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I quit...smoking. Smoking was my friend, in my mind, it helped me cope with all that was happening around me, and I needed it! However, after an on again/off again 14-year relationship, my old friend was making me sick.  It was time to cut ties.

I did it 3 months ago. Just happy to not have it hanging over my head for the New Year. Glad that I got it out of the way - and happy to say, after all the mood swings and cravings, a very supportive man in my life and my daughter.  It's over.  Some may think...BIG DEAL.  However, to me it was my life, so it was a very big deal.  Smoking - a temporary fix to all my problems. My serious vice. I was not the mother smoking in the car with the window cracked, as the child sucks up the secondhand fumes wafting around their carseat.  I did not smoke during my pregnancy or while I was nursing. My habit did not inhibit me from being a good and decent human being.

 I was not proud of my addiction, I hid it as best I could.  Using lots of perfume, and brushing my teeth sometimes up to 10 times a day to mask the smell. I only smoked in the comfort of my own backyard.  Away from wagging fingers and disapproving eyes.

So last March I got sick. Then I got even more sick, and it settled in my lungs, and like a moron I continued to smoke. 3 months later I was coughing up unspeakable (brown) things and trying to catch my breath, fearing my lungs were collapsing in on me - yet I still smoked. My mind kept replaying the woman we all saw in those commercials with the hole in her neck, and her drawing the cigarette to said hole and inhaling slowly. The Marlboro man in his infinite glory back in the day, with his cowboy hat and chiseled physique; became a walking cautionary tale before his 50th birthday after suffering a stroke, which rendered him paralyzed on the left side of his body. I remember him coming to my school and warning all of us about the dangers of smoking, he was now battling lung cancer. He reportedly passed away just a few months after his public speaking stint at the age of 52 in the early 90's.  So, what was my breaking point?  What would it take for me to finally let it go?  I never thought that I would be asking myself this question while I was still in my twenties, but I was.

I do not say all this to wag my finger, or as a way to influence people to quit. Most of the closest people to me in my life smoke cigarettes. To each their own.  I loved smoking, in fact I adored it, and I was so so good at it. It helped me relax, but it was also the reason that I needed to relax so much.  Does this make any sense?  If I went too long without being able to smoke, I would get seriously agitated and annoyed, and that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one.  Unfortunately, in my late 20's - it left me very ill. I needed antibiotics, something to help ease the coughing, something to help me put a Band-Aid on what was going on. Because I still loved smoking, and I wasn't ready to give it up. I honestly didn't think I could.  Over the years I had grown to rely on it way too much. It was March 2009. I kept telling myself that I would quit after I turned 30.

I've never been yelled at by a doctor. Well, I went to see one, and he yelled at me. Told me to 1) Quit! 2) Get an X-ray of lungs stat and 3)If I was lucky, all I had was chronic bronchitis. Which at the time didn't sound like a big deal, but since it's actually a precursor to stage 1 COPD (emphysema) it turns out - sort of a big deal. This was in May. He prescribed antibiotics, some syrup, gave me one last warning and I never saw him again. The cough got a little better for the week I was on antibiotics - then it came back with a vengeance, because although I cut back, I didn't quit.

I coughed and hacked my way through the summer and into October. I kept getting sick, which only exacerbated things. I was fed up. So I had a talk with my boyfriend, and told him I needed to quit - I was setting a definite date and I was sticking to it. The first of January.  He looked at me and said, "Why not tomorrow?"

I shook my head, but then I realized what he meant. If you're gonna do it, then do it. Better now than later. Get it out of the way. So, two days later I quit. It was the middle of October. I was a mess. I was afraid I was going to chew my fingernails off, there was not enough Trident in the world to keep my mouth busy, and I had to constantly be doing something, anything with my hands. Nothing more really, than just a bad habit that I had to stop. Something that was so everyday and so natural to me, like drinking coffee in the morning. Some days were good, some were terrible. The nights were the worst, that was when I had done the majority of my smoking.  For 3 days I had raging headaches, I was grinding my teeth, it was all nerves, and although a lot of it was in my head - mind over matter - there were annoying withdrawals.  Cold turkey. I wasn't afraid of gaining weight - because that's the oldest excuse in the book for women who smoke. I didn't gain weight, but I chewed lots and lots of gum and massacred many a toothpick. It took almost 2 months before the real cravings finally stopped.

So it's the New Year, I'm 30, and already 3 months smoke free and counting for the rest of my life. No more cravings or triggers to deal with. Even better, my lungs are rejuvenating themselves and the bronchitis is gone. The only thing I'm coughing up these days is air, and it's awesome.  For the first time in years I am not getting bronchitis every time I get the common cold. It's over, it's out of the way and I can get on with it.
So this year there will be no resolutions, just a healthier set of lungs, which in my book - is wonderful.
Until Next time ~