Inspired

It's been one of those months.  You know, where there is not a lot of motivation.  Frustration and aggravation tend to trump motivation when the two are linked together. 

Have you ever said a prayer, and then apologized to God - because your request really just in the grand scheme of things is probably...well, pathetic?

"Please make ______ stop doing what they are doing.  Because if they don't, I'm going to lose my frackin' mind!"

  For the most part, if we need things to change, or want them to change, we have to take the first step.  Divine intervention is not really an option.  In my humble opinion, God has a greater plan, and it doesn't consist of ridding me of all my annoyances and making MY life easier, and saving me from all that is painful, and heart wrenching, and even dreadful. 

So, here is to all the lovely beings that have come and gone from my life.  The ones that I can't seem to get away from, the ones that I want to stay with forever (if only this life would allow), and the ones that break my heart and melt it at the same time, (children).  You have made me who I am, and from you I have learned more than I wanted to at times, there's been joy, sadness, grief, unconditional love, hatred, and every other strong emotion I could possibly conjure up. 

I ramble on about this because on days like this, sometimes I wonder why I am where I am at this moment, and all I know is that I am supposed to be here, and all I want is to know where to go next.  What is my next step?  Days like this where I haven't had a chance to even shower yet, I ate Top Ramen for lunch, and I am bored out of my mind, and too exhausted to do anything about it.  :-)

And for the love of diapers, where is my motivation? 

Thanks, Bill.

Bill Gates: 11 Things You Won't Learn in High School
 Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
 Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one

Blocked

The writer of this blog has temporarily reached an impasse.  Sometimes random thoughts and information do enter into the orbital lobe, however, nothing has been coming out.  Not one clever "ism" or witty and snarky thought on the day, week, or month, or rating of an amazing side mullet that she spotted at the Winco.  Things go in, all the time.  They are just not being processed in the usual way.   Perhaps it is because these days she is finding herself blissfully unaware of a lot of things in general - life has slowed down, just a smidge.  Although, there is time, there really isn't when you are caring for a little human who is so vulnerable, so in need of your utmost attention, yet so precious.  All rolled into this chubby little diapered package.  She does find time to do the things she enjoys, but mostly these things succumb to the overwhelming need for a damn nap.  That should be one word.  Damnap. Or, more accurately, the baby waking up, which he did four times while I was trying to write this damnblogpost.  It's nearly 11pm.

I need some of this, for my brain. For now, you have no idea how accomplished I feel that I was able to get the baby back to sleep, and write something.  Anything.  Accomplishment!

In Mom's Words

Our beautiful and beloved Aunt Karen passed away last Friday.  To give you a brief history, she lived the last 30 plus years of her life with grace and a disposition that only a remarkable human being could pull off.  Aunt Karen battled with MS most of her adult life, her smile and laughter will forever have a place in my heart and all of her family - I grieve for her husband, and her two grown sons, as they are trying to cope with the loss of their wife and mother. 

My mom is a very talented and published writer, through her grief - she wrote something so sweet and so tender that I wanted to share.  I know just how proud Aunt Karen was of her little sister, and bragged about her like only a big sister can, with their 14-year age span, it was almost maternal like.  So in mom's words....some thoughts about her big sis.

We all have memories of Karen in various stages of life. She was the music in our home for so many years. Her plays brought us activity and such color! Her creativity always seemed to culminate in something perfectly well done, beautiful.



Her marriage was her crowning achievement, though, even and I think especially in her illness because it was apparent she had chosen well and been well blessed in Mike.


One memory I will treasure forever is of visiting Karen on her birthday. She was by then in her hospital bed in the smaller house in Salinas. Mike had seen to it an addition was built to accommodate her caregivers, and part of that addition housed the grand piano. As Karen and I visited (and I know to treasure that visit now because Karen was engaged in conversation with me – something the years would take away) Mike left us to go into the music room and play. Karen told me he had been taking lessons so he could do this: for her birthday he played Broadway musical themes from the many plays one or both of them had acted in.


Karen listened, wincing here and there if a note was off at all, but smiling deliciously – a smile and giggle that only love and fond happiness could enlist. Of course I couldn’t tell there were any notes amiss. The music was wonderful!


On other visits I noticed Mike’s largess in seeing to every detail of his wife’s happiness. It was tremendous. He made sure to include her in all household decisions. At one point he brought in a small house plant for her inspection, discussing its problems and a method for treatment. Until it was no longer possible Mike arranged a family bar-b-que every Sunday – all interested were invited – and John made sure his mother was at the table for these if at all possible.


Only later did I learn that Michael was suffering from M.S. himself.


There were many things Mike did that I only heard about, such as his insistence they go to the movies for a date at least once a week, their amazing Christmas parties that included everyone to do with Karen’s care. He knew these people were very dear to his wife. She thought about and prayed for – loved – every one of them.


Yesterday, November 18th, Friday, Karen passed. Jan called to tell me – said that John told her our sister had a smile on her face.


All things seem to slow and grow quiet in this news. Time passes, as she passed, taking its turn into eternity.


Her life was fraught with physical challenge that her spirit endured and overcame, making something entirely beautiful just like the musicals she starred in so long ago. Who were the heroes, the clowns, the antagonists? And what battles do they fight now? Now that the heroes won, the clowns have gone, the antagonists are quiet, paying tribute, saying: good show! and moving on. But I like to think the clowns have retired their costumes, and that the antagonists have laid down their fiery charges, given them up to be finally buried under a thick layer of love.


I see them that way because love won the war last night. The battles were many, but love won. I’m sure of that because somewhere in her house, scrawled by the child Karen in the front pages of her King James Bible are the words: Thou shalt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee. Those words are carved on the Wilson family stone somewhere in a Harrison, Arkansas cemetery. In front of that lie two headstones, one admonishing those who remained to trust in the Lord forever - Faith, and one quietly comforting the sleeping saint under it, the pure in heart, that she would see God - Hope.


Now there remain faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love.


It is the week of thanksgiving, and I have a heart of thanksgiving for Karen’s family now – such thanksgiving is hard to express except to say, most probably in agreement with our Lord: WELL DONE!

He who cannot be a good pooper cannot be a good leader. - Aristotle

We started solids.  The word "solid" makes me think of poop.  And since we have started solids, poop has changed in this house.  Specifically - the poop that collects into the diaper of my baby.  Also - I don't quite understand why, because THIS is what happens when I put food in his mouth. 

Seriously, avocado, apples, bananas, sweet potatoes....just come oozing out of his mouth like a lahar.  Apparently he is swallowing some of it, because his diapers are being put to the test these days. 

Also, it is just great that just as babies start eating solids they begin to blow raspberries, or shall I say bluntly.  *spit* 

Well shit. 

That's about it here.  Life is beautiful.  I look outside my window and I see this.

Also, I get to see this - pretty much every single day.

Love this place.

Also, do yourself a (solid), and have a great day! 

The End.

McBummer

So, our journey up to Oregon was interesting. I would say it was a breeze, but my windshield wipers suddenly stopped working on the first day - right in the middle of a rainstorm in BFE....just outside of Sactown.  (Los Banos)  Really, how fitting is that?  My wipers went to shit, in the shitter.  We stopped and sat around with our thumbs up our butts. Dad couldn't figure it out - and I just kept hitting random things under the hood and around the windshield gage. It didn't work.  I got really sad and discouraged, then decided to take Reggie and Naomi and go to a fast food joint, because really - sometimes the only thing to do is eat your feelings.  We sat and ate our feelings for a few minutes, I nursed the baby (he needed to eat his feelings too).  Finally, the rain stopped but there were luminous clouds, so we decided to tread onward.  It was the worst feeling, looking up at mean clouds and thinking it would be forever until we made it up to the big O.  Yes, I just wrote that.  Whoops.  We managed to evade the rain for two hours, and then poof. All of the sudden, after staring at my wipers, which were frozen on my windshield in mid-wipe, they began to work, and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

I am not a cat, but this is the face I made when the wipers wiped out. Thank you Toonses.

We arrived in Redding, I was in such a good mood I decided that I would run out and grab dinner for everyone. I left the kids and my dad at the motel and set forth on my doomed journey, in a strange town, where I don't know where anything is. I clipped the corner of a Nissan Altima as I was turning into a McDonald's. Total McBummer. The only good news is that I was going super slow. It was my fault. I made a last minute lane change and she was in my blind spot. Translation. I was tired and not paying attention and pulled a boner. Her baby was in the backseat screaming and bawling, which made me feel just awesome.  The woman couldn't have been nicer, we exchanged information - I gave that lady everything but my birth cert. and SS# I swear.  Nothing like feeling guilty to get your niceness on.  If I'd had money in my wallet, I would have thrown it all at her, and her angry baby too.  In all seriousness though, I've been hit before, and the other driver just took off like a cat that got dropped in the bathtub.  Leaving me feeling angry and abandoned - so I knew how important it was to be mature and as nice as possible, while apologizing profusely.  Luckily, her car had a very fixable and agreeable dent - mine got the brunt, but it was all aesthetic, so we would live to see another day of traveling without the help of a tow truck! 

Needless to say that I was too upset that evening to "Eat my feelings".   Broken windshield wipers, yes.  Fender Bender...OMG where's the Ambien, I need to forget this day ever happened.  Thank you.

We arrived in style Monday night.  In the middle of a rainstorm, with working wipers, a screaming Reggie, a happy Naomi, and one burnt out mama.  All in all though, it is so nice to be home.  I am taking it all in.  Mt. Hood is in view outside on my morning walks, the Fall foliage is breathtaking, and having family close by is so nice.  (Lots and lots of babysitters!)  I could not have done this without the help of my lovely daughter - who kept her little brother entertained throughout our trip, and my dad - who happily caravanned with us to get us there safely. 

Oh, and another McBummer....last night I gave Reggie some avocado.  So sweet.  He loved it up.  Loved loved loved it.  He is my son after all.  Only, we woke up this morning to this.

So.  Yeah, major McBummer.  BTW, this is not my baby.  This is a random Inteweb baby, whose rash is much worse.



Oxymoron Lentil Soup

Apparently, Esau gave up his birth right for this amazingness.  It must have been one helluva recipe, because I might give up a few things for lentil soup - but certainly not my inheritance, if I actually had one.  But whatever, he must have been starving. (Genesis 25: 30-34).  
Here is my recipe.  Eat your heart out Esau.  Well, maybe not - mine has pork in it....so.  Oh, and apparently there are lots of healthy goodies in these little lentils, like mucho medicinal properties or something like that.  It doesn't just give you moderate gas.  ;-)
 
1 pkg. of lentils 2 cups
6-8 cups of water or chicken stock/broth/bouillon (I have been using bouillon cubes lately) a cheap and easy fast way to add flavor, as long as you aren't too worried about sodium and retaining water.
1 onion finely chopped until you begin to weep with stinging eye pain and then just cut the rest of that s&*% up and throw it in.  What the hell, it will cook down.  Who cares.
Garlic - as much as you want in whatever form you want.  May it ooze out of your pores.  Yum. 
Tomatoes - take those fresh tomatoes that will just go bad anyway, (because you forget they are at the bottom of your veggie bin), chop them up and throw them in.  dammit.
Carrots and whatever the heck else you need to dispose of in the dark corners of your fridge that hasn't spoiled.
Meat.  Whatever you have.  Except lunch meat.  Don't do that.  Or hot dogs.  I threw in some Italian sausage, just to mix up the ethnic pool, and to create an ironic soupy dish. 
Crock pot on low.
Do whatever you want, for like a whole day. 
Then dish into a bowl and eat, and slurp.
Salt and pepper to taste.  :-)  I garnished mine with some flax seed blue corn toasted torts, and some sour cream.  If you are watching your calories, nonfat plain yogurt is a great SC substitute. 
 
 

Fun With Bad Pictures

Feel free to add your own caption...

"Someday...she will pay for this.  Where is my boob and blankie?  All I see are screaming little people with bags.  This blows."