Grey

That's just how life feels these days.  I don't mean to be depressing and a total downer, but life right now is just grey.  There are certainly not 50 shades of them, by any means.  I am kind of in a state of grief.  I'm grieving over the life I had with a person that I really, really loved, and still do.  I'm grieving over a future that I dreamed of for our boys, that will not be happening.  I'm still so angry that they will be splitting their holidays, their vacations, their everything, between two parents, for the next several years.  I'm angry, because it's not what I wanted for them, because I had some convoluted idea about how they were going to grow up, and how our lives would be - and now that is not going to happen, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it from unraveling. 

Then I pause, and I just breathe, I take it all in.  Because if there is anything that I have learned through life, it's that I cannot blame my unhappiness on the choices, decisions, or actions of others.  Not forever, at least.   For now, I am grieving.  My life is on hold.  Our lives are on hold, because 5 years and two children do not afford a clean break and a fresh start.  There is no "New Beginning" that will be happening here.  It is a mess.  It is broken shards of glass embedded in the cracks and crevices of our present and everyday life.  Some pieces are so tiny, they look like little flecks of glitter when the sun hits them just right, but they sting to the touch.  The closer I look, the more tiny little slivers I see, that I hadn't before.  They just keep appearing.  Little unknown revelations coming to light, reminding me that possibly they have been there all along, yet I was too hopeful and optimistic to notice their existence.  I have to acknowledge that in the long run, maybe it is better that this is all happening now, and not when young little eyes and ears will remember things that they wish they could forget.

I want to spare them that pain at least.  I know, as well as any of us who have been through a divorce or break-up, when there are children involved, it's agonizing.  Even more so, when our kids are old enough to know what is happening.  So many books have been written, so many studies done.  It's all white noise when it comes to the reality of what it really does to our kids.  It's a leap of faith - when you are the one making the call - if you know that in the long run, it's what's best, and you do your best to help your kids navigate through it, but it's never clean, and it's never without collateral damage.   All that pain, and all that hurt - would still be there, divorce/break-up or not.  It just isn't exposed in such an abrupt way. 

So for now, I'm letting the sun in, even though everything feels grey.  I'm letting the light come in and just expose everything for what it is, and I'm/we're getting through it.  In our own ways.

Looking forward to the day when things start to feel like they are in motion again.  Even if it's backward, at least we will all be moving in some direction.