This Was Not My Plan

 Thanks, Tom Petty.  I would listen to your song right now, but yeah...no.  Just, no.  Between you and The Fray, and that Jar of Hearts song.  No more.   

I think it's these times in life when we wish that we could sit back and reflect, but we just can't.  We can't because we have children to tend to, bills to pay, and well, bills.  Lots of them. 

Life has not been easy these days, and I wish I could reflect, but I can't.  I want to sit in this chair and write it all out.  I want to just puke it all up and be done with it.  Everything goes by so fast.  Someday, I'll be that old lady (Lord willing) sitting in a chair and reading a book uninterrupted, or writing out all my memories that time has fogged over and somehow made a little less harsh and a little more pleasant.  For now though, I welcome the interruption and the distractions that my children bring. 

I don't know why, and I can't even explain the how.  I think I am still recovering from the shock.  I am going to be a single mom again, and the road is very uncertain.  A part of me is welcoming this new journey with a guarded heart.  The other part is scared to death, because this was not my plan.  This was not our plan.  You know what they say about plans.

 Yet, this is real, and I'm all about real.  Right now, I kind of need to get real.


I have been waiting with bated breath for  months now, waiting for this to not be the case.  Waiting for a turn in  events.  Waiting for a spoken word - a chance at reconciliation.  And I will probably still wait for quite sometime, as futile as it may be.  It's what my heart wants.  To wait and not quite yet accept what is truly happening.  I think that's all a part of the process.  All I know is that I really. really, suck at this.   I suck at being alone, probably because it's been so long since I was not tied to or connected to another human being.  However, it's the hand that life is dealing me right now - and I am going to play it the best I can.  Stumbling along the way, trying to figure it all out. 

I'm also kind of writing a lot these days, which is no surprise...am I right, Taylor?  Adele?  I'm actually starting a novel, which probably won't get finished, and will never make it past Microsoft Word, but it's kind of keeping me sane right now - and it's sort of fantastically free flowing from my brain. 

 

 

 

When there are children, it is so devastating.  It really is.  However, it is not the end of our story, and it's not the end of a happy life.  It may be a door that has closed, but somewhere - there's another door, maybe a window that leads to roads less traveled, and opportunities that never would have come to light otherwise. 

 

For now, that's all I've got. 

 

Oh, and a shitload of laughs from Pinterest, because laughing helps. 

 

 

 

I do.  Absolutely do declare them.  They are a must.