Update on Reggie (Send copious amounts of caffeine. Send nannies.)

Previously on my post, Processing, I opened up about some of the things that Reggie (we) are struggling with. Also, a little bit of the beginning of our journey into bridging the gap of communication with our son.   We are trying to cope with some other behaviors that leave us frazzled and at our wit's end.  Leaving us scratching our heads, teetering on a last nerve - and reaching for the nearest alcoholic beverage.  There are almost too many to really list off, and when one issue begins to subside a little, another will tend to pop up in its place. 

I cannot even begin to express the happiness it brings to my heart to see his progression over the last few months though.  Comprehension is still a source of struggle for us, however, this boy is beginning to say things that are relevant and stringing more and more words together.   I am happy to report that he has become well versed in telling his little brother to kick rocks.  "NO! Stop! Go Away! Mine!"  The twos are terrible, looking forward to the thrilling threes, and as some of my friends have stated...the f***ing fours.  Can't imagine what wonderful times are in store for us.  Especially with two so close in age.  Yes, I do have a teenager - but the early years with her have fogged over with time, and I remember parades and school plays mostly.  Not the meltdowns and setbacks and sleepless nights.  Also, there was only one of her.  These days, I'm outnumbered.   Reaching for the Zoloft....


We have been using visual cues (and sometimes shameless bribes) to help him through transitions, they seem to helping quite a bit, and have only enhanced his vocabulary.   Some of them are quite funny.

  Reggie doesn't seemed to be bothered by the missing facial features, so for now, we just go with it.

Hooray for progress! 

We are still working on things like small requests.  If I ask him to get me one of his toys, naming it specifically - he usually will walk away, disinterested, or ignore me completely.  Hit and miss. Possibly selective hearing at work?  Men....  If I tell him to get his shoes though, he will.  Every time/mostly.  This boy loves to get out and play.  He usually does better taking his cues from me through modeling on my behalf, rather than barking out commands from my parental pedestal. 

Again, it's not the speech delay that concerned me - it was the lack of comprehension, and the inability to express what he wanted or needed, even through signing or pointing.  When I took him in to have him evaluated and tested, it was confirmed that he was struggling in these areas, and I could stop over enunciating and shouting like a moron, because he didn't  have a hearing deficit. 

Now, when he wants something - he will point or gesture towards it, if he doesn't know how to say what it is.  However, that is now becoming less and less.  He is really locking in the names for specific objects, and saying them, which is awesome.  We are cautiously trying to watch the four letter words now, but when the day does come that he repeats an un-savory word, in our house it would probably be met with pride and joy - because it's progress in language, however foul! 

With all the breakthroughs, there are roadblocks and setbacks.  Reggie not only struggles with communication and comprehension, he struggles with sensory input.  He is hypersensitive to noise to a degree that has completely changed how we do things, and when and where we go anywhere.  We ignore the little stuff, and just proclaim what it is.  For example...the sound of a lawnmower two blocks away will have him sticking his fingers in his ears and stating (awoud) his word for "It's loud."  We just say, "no" it's not loud, it's a lawnmower, and it's far away.  The more dismissive we are with the little things, the less and less he seeks out reciprocation.  Yes, to him it is louder and perhaps a little scary, but he isn't in panic mode, so we just try to be laissez faire  about it.   Otherwise, the boy would never take his fingers out of his ears.  Before we knew what was really happening, or why he was doing this, I had taken him to the doctor a handful of times because I thought he had an ear infection.  I'm sure I'm on the list as one of THOSE mothers. 

 A truck passing by, a lawnmower up close, sounds in the supermarket, the vacuum, the blender, etc.  Will send him into a high alert.  If the noise continues or becomes even louder, he will have a complete and total anxiety triggered meltdown, and then in good form - like any good parent. So will I.

My daughter had one public meltdown when she was 5.  I will never forget it, how intense it was, and how humiliated it made me feel as a mother, and a human being in general.  A failure at life and motherhood for sure!   I've lost count of all the public displays of displeasure that my son has displayed.  I have grown a super thick skin, and really honestly - do not get embarrassed as easily.  Most of the time, people are very understanding.  One woman even offered to help me push my stroller when I couldn't - it was so kind of her, and she just smiled and said she'd "been there".  Some people, very rarely - are rude.  An elderly man at the grocery store told my son to "be quiet".  I figured, he had earned the right to shush little kids in public places, and shake his head at the state of the world and "kids today".  I am too busy to concern myself with the quick rush to judgment of innocent bystanders.  Even when Reggie isn't in the throes of a tantrum, he's loud - and not many people are fans of this, I'm finding.  I'm not really either, but it could always be worse.  He is not spoiled, but if people want to think that, so be it. I saw this and it made me laugh, but it also made me mad.  Because yeah, back in your day, that may have been true, but you also didn't put your baby in a car seat, and smoking was acceptable during pregnancy, need I say more?  Progress is good.

For the auditory sensitivity, we have called in the aide of a pair of noise muffling earphones.  Those are for home use.  We are also going to try wax molding earplugs, that remain unseen, but give Reggie some relief when we are out in public places.  I've been assured that these are great, because if he swallows them, it's totally fine.  Totally nasty, but totally fine.  Knowing my son though, he will just chew on them forever, then spit them out on the carpet when I'm not looking.  Then his brother will eat them.  Circle of life.

Because he is comforted by enclosed spaces - we drape him in a big hoodie sweatshirt and let him sit on a soft blanket at the end of the grocery cart.  He also stays occupied by chewing gum or eating his apple.  He loves his apples and he is calm when he feels enclosed and not so exposed.  I can understand that completely. 

Massage therapy is a daily routine, because he craves pressure on his joints.  He has a disturbingly high tolerance for pain, and thinks nothing of butting his head on hard surfaces, (such as MY head) body checking, and stomping the floor away.  It is fun. *sarcasm.  For this, we swing, we dance, we made a ballpit, bought a trampoline, we use weighted blankets, pillows, and bean bags.  (Sometimes one of us retreats and hides while the other parent isn't looking.)  These are all boredom busters, and a healthy way for him to redirect his outrageously exhausting need for large motor sensory stimuli.  We are exhausted, and we need massage therapy as well.  Unfortunately, it's not covered by our medical insurance, like Reggie's - so we opt for impromptu narcoleptic fits in the recliner, or any other soft surface, and Advil.  Also, wine....and whine.

He stacks, he sorts, he builds.   It is awesome.  We are encouraging it, rather than being alarmed by it.  He can focus intently for several minutes at a time, which allows for more moments like this for mom. 

Sleep is not happening right now.  This waxes and wanes.  But so far, we're in a 3 month slump.  I slept better when my babies were newborns.  Another big hurdle that we are trying to figure our way over, through, or around.  I've tried bargaining with God.  So far, no go.

The specialist who last observed Reggie, did point out that although he exhibits many behaviors that put him on the spectrum of Autism, there is one in particular that does not, and I think a lot of parents who have children with SPD can relate to this.  That is his ability to engage and express emotion on a consistent level.  Yes, their child may be more withdrawn than what is the norm, but they do express and show emotion and affection.  He smiles more than the Cheshire cat.  He laughs and even though sometimes you have to say his name a million times before he will look at you - he has no problem maintaining eye contact.  We have the option of bringing him in for a diagnosis at any point thus far, but it is so subjective, and he is still so young...it was comforting to hear her say that there is nothing wrong with just waiting it out and trying different therapies and solutions - and tracking his progress as we've been doing.  Then reevaluating later on.

So, all of this leaves us with this really intricate puzzle that is our son.  Like all children, he is complex in his own ways, and he didn't come with an instruction manual.  So I finally feel for the first time that we don't need a diagnosis, and I'm okay if we never get one at this point.  That may change as he gets older.  However, I am his advocate, and he has access to the help he needs, and he will - throughout his schooling and beyond.  If he needs it.  I am grateful and thankful for the help of all the amazing people we have met so far. 

  His irritability, sensitivities, and behaviors can sometimes set us back, (more so mine, I confess) but the therapy and solutions for those issues are and I trust will help as we go along, to some degree - I know there will be a lot of hits and misses as well. I can say, for all his struggles, each and every one...there are a dozen things that he shines in.  He is so friendly, and so loving, he steals my heart.  Every single day.   I don't know where he will be in 5, 10 years' time, in 20 years.  I do however, want to give him all the tools he needs to be the best he can be at whatever capacity he can. I don't want him to be treated differently, but I do want him to be given consideration and to feel safe as he navigates his way through childhood.  Just like any other child.   Don't we all want that for our kids?  That and less whining and more sleep.  With less of one and more of the other, I can take on the world.  ;-)

Boys Will Break Everything

"Girls will break your spirit and your heart.  Boys will just break shit." - Louis CK

As the mother of a teenage daughter, and two small boys...I couldn't agree more.  Preach it, Louis,  this couldn't be more true, in my own experience.  My daughter has always been a master at communication and expressing herself in a verbal sense.  Especially when she is upset.  She does not hold back her feelings and her opinions about anything, nor in the heat of the moment is she afraid to say things that would bruise even the ego of Chuck Norris.  Words are powerful, but so I am finding, are little boy toddlers with boundless energy and the innate need to break shit.  I am keeping a running tab, and documenting all of this.   It is only the beginning. 

 The person who came up with the idea for vertical blinds, never had small boy children.  Obviously. 

Our coffee table.  May it rest in peace.  On the back patio for now. 

 

Polka dot carpet.  Or connect the dots.   I blame sippy cups, and the little boys who abuse them.

 



What the hell were we thinking?  Putting a piece of furniture anywhere near the wall.  Just, walls and furniture in general. 

 



There is nothing sweeter than when your little ones crawl into bed and cuddle up with you in the morning, and then they do this. 

 



I think it's safe to say we won't be getting our security deposit back.

 

I don't believe in buying expensive teethers.  I much prefer that my boys cut their teeth on the unnatural surroundings in their habitat.  Such as coffee tables, end tables, knobs, and entertainment centers.

 

I'm a big believer in consigning and reselling baby furniture.  Unfortunately, the toddler has eliminated the possibility of being able to resell anything - he ripped the platform right out of this exercaucer with extreme force.  The baby didn't even notice.

I'm still *ngry over this one.

 



Frightening that I even own these, and frightening that Reggie did this.

 



 

I removed all of these door guards almost immediately upon moving into this apartment.  I haven't had a ringing migraine since.  However, there are divots in the walls now.  Win some, lose some.

Processing.....Processing.....

I know that I took my daughter’s level of communication for granted. It just clicked. By the time she was 2 to 2 ½ years old, she could pretty much tell me what she needed and how she was feeling, and why. She was speaking in sentences, she was expressing herself. Tantrums were not an every day ordeal. They happened, but they weren’t something that I dealt with on a constant basis. That old expression (like a sponge) just made sense - it was true! Ever single day, she was just acquiring all these new words and expressions, all these new skills that she was learning from the world around her. It was amazing, and I marveled at it.

Things are different with her little brother Reggie. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but as he gets older, it is becoming more and more apparent that there are things that he is just not processing and retaining. The inability to convey the simplest things like hunger or wanting to go outside and play have led to a frequency in screaming and complete frustration on his part. It’s not just in the verbal sense, he also struggles to show me in a physical sense. At 27 months old, he still does not point at objects. I am seeing that sometimes he is unable to really process what I am telling him, when I say “Go get your shoes, we’re going outside!” or even telling him to come to me when we are outside playing. It is far more complicated than a toddler just trying to express his autonomy. It is just not computing. There are parts of our day that are so repetitive, that he has become acute to them - when I run the water for bath time, he exclaims “Ta Time!” and starts to help take off his clothes. These are small things, that really - even Christopher has already started to retain, but to me, and to Reggie…they are huge.

I began to suspect that he was having some sensory and language issues around the 1 ½ year mark. The constant stomping of his feet that only increased with the level of noise and movement in his environment, it felt like he was trying to find his footing. As if he couldn’t quite figure out where he began and his surroundings ended. The yelling. Oh my God, the yelling. Even when anyone in the house was in the middle of an argument or something upsetting or exciting, we always erred on the side of keeping our voices at a very even level, for the sake of Reggie - and the fact that the volume level we elicited, would bring his up tenfold. Just the sound of people laughing in a room will send him into a complete panic attack. The fact that he was not retaining words and adding them to his vocabulary. For the longest time he was saying the word “nana” for banana, and then he sort of just stopped saying it - and I haven’t heard him say it for several months now. The endless chatter that is so incredibly fast and was so adorable at first, has only increased in frequency - although he has started to throw three word sentences into his strings of verbosity, and I am relieved to say that they are appropriate in their inflection, and usually fit the circumstances that we are in. Still, communication and the ability to comprehend what is being asked or said to him, is a daily battle.

A trip to the grocery store is always a circus act. I have to bring at least four different food and beverage items to keep him stimulated and distracted - and even then, it is still a gamble. The minute we walk in the door, the sights and sounds seem to overwhelm. The yelling and stomping starts almost immediately. There’s no specific reason for it, it’s not because he has something set in his sights that he wants, it’s the overwhelming stimuli. Sometimes the yelling is happy, and other times, it’s at a level of frustration that cannot be soothed or stifled, and so trips are cut short. I won’t even step foot in a restaurant anymore, because along with all the sensory overload stuff, eating is also a huge issue. He will chew on food for hours - and if he finds something that he likes, he will stuff it all in his mouth at once.

I don’t know if I can say that there were a lot of flags when he was a baby. He was generally pretty easy going, but he did have pretty intense stranger anxiety, and sleeping was well - not easy. The slightest noise would wake him instantly, even now.

He can engross himself in stacking and sorting for several minutes at a time. He knew the entire alphabet and all the sounds, his shapes, and his numbers by the time he was 2. I didn’t teach him any of these things, nor did I encourage it. Sometimes he says the letters and numbers so fast and in such muffled tones, that if you aren’t paying attention, you might not really take notice.

He amazes me - the way his mind works, it’s a mystery to me, but I feel that we are peeling back the layers piece by piece and making strides in ways that will help him throughout his development. Sometimes when we’re out at the park, or at play group, people will remark on his very intense and loud babbling, as being cute or adorable, and I just nod and say that he sort of has his own language, and that he’s a “late talker”. Which, really, he is. I don’t know where he will be in one year. Maybe he will be communicating at such an intense and aggravating level, that we will all just be on sensory overload ourselves. I hope and pray for that. I really do. But if he isn’t, then we will continue to look for and find alternative ways to help him express himself, until those receptors start to connect more effectively in his brain.

For now, I know that some sounds are almost painful for him (the covering of his ears has been a pretty distinct clue, among others) - which explains how he is so easily overwhelmed and excited in the most mundane situations. And it explains that one of his first words, although I guess it’s not really a word, was “Shhhhhhh”

We have been working with an educator who does home visits, and a couple of other specialists - it’s been hard. I was both relieved and upset when they told me that he qualified for early intervention. I think that is something that only a parent who has a child with signs or a diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder can really understand.

I just love him so. He has taught me so much already, just in his 2 years.

 

A Letter to My Boys

I love that so many bloggers and writers are doing this right now, mostly because if you are a parent, you know that more than anything, you want to give your child all the wisdom in the world, but no matter what, they are going to fall and they are going to stumble through life, trying to get it right.  Just like you have and still are.   You want to help shape and mold them into fully functioning, productive, and caring adults.  You want it all, but you never will...have it all.  Neither will your kids.  Kids grow up.  The process is really freaking difficult, and sometimes almost unbearable.  A lot of it is wonderful too.  They become who they are, sometimes in spite of you, and sometimes because of you, or sometimes just because, because life happens, and it changes us, and it is scary just how little control we really have.  There are no guarantees. 

Someone told me the other day, that mothers weren’t as important as fathers when it comes to raising boys. I disagree. I believe we are just as important as fathers. I also believe the same to be true for girls regarding their fathers. Children need their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, family and friends. Our children need us - regardless of our gender. So as their mother, I put together some words of wisdom for my boys. I certainly can’t cover everything, but I think I’ve covered a few essentials.  I don't expect them to live by any of these words when they become men, that is for them to decide. However, I hope they will process some of it, if not most of it, and use it in their lives.  That is my hope.   Also, some of this rings true for my daughter as well, but hers is a separate letter, between the two of us, that is still being written.

Even if I don’t have a penis, I do have a brain, and I have a few things to teach them as they go through life. I know they have a few things to teach me as well. 

Disclaimer:  These are just my values, and my thoughts.  I certainly don't expect them to be validated or shared by anyone. 
 

Be courteous to people when you can. Chivalry applies not just for women, but children, elders, and for all God's creatures. It is not dead, and may you be proof of that. Respect women, respect other respecting men, respect children, respect life. Respect.

Crying:
  It’s okay to do it, whenever you need to. Don’t buy into the BS that men don’t cry. A real man is not afraid to show his emotions, or to respect the emotions of others. Empathy is a beautiful thing to give and to receive. Remember that most women are more emotional than men. Also, don’t ever tell a woman you love, who is telling you how she feels, to calm down, or that she is overreacting. NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. If a woman you love and care about starts crying, just hug her and tell her it’s okay. Then shut up and listen. Trust me on that one. It will save you so much trouble.

Honesty: 
Try your best to be honest and trustworthy. It’s true what they say about white lies. Now, if she asks you how her ass looks in those jeans - and all you can think is “HUGE”. Then for your sake and for hers. Lie. Save yourself.

Fears and Anxieties: 
Everyone has them. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. Try to give yourself the time and space to figure them out, and let others help you through it - but try not to run away from them. Talk about them with someone you can trust.

Sex:
  Is not the end all and be all of your life, and not everyone is having it when you are in high school. It can be something amazing and wonderful with someone that you really care about. Also, no means no. Sleeping around does not make you a stud, or a man. It just puts you at a higher risk for STD’s. Kissing and telling is okay if you’re talking about kissing, and you are respectful. Bragging about sex, like it’s another notch on your belt, and not a human being just makes you look like a douche bag. Whether you are 18 or 38. Sleeping around certainly is not a crime, but it is not normal and healthy behavior either, no matter what you hear and see on TV and the Internet. Also, protect yourself like your life depended on it, because it does. Trust me.

Fighting: 
“He hit me first” is always the kiss of death. When people say stupid shit, ignore that shit. If someone sucker-punches you, you don’t have to, but it’s okay to defend yourself. Survival Instincts are there for a reason.

Respecting The Old: 
The elderly are not people that we EVER make fun of. Show them compassion and try to be helpful, even if they are rude or senile, someday that could very well be you in that wheelchair. Be respectful, be helpful. Always try to say “No Sir” and “Yes ma’am” when appropriate.

Technology: 
It is always changing, it will be far more advanced by the time you read this. Just remember, human beings - and actual contact and interaction with them, should always take precedence over any game or device that requires you to stare at a screen. Life is made up of so many moments, wrapped up in minutes and hours - that define who we are, that shape us and make up our character.


Hard Work: 
It never killed anyone, and it certainly will not kill you. Never waste an opportunity to learn a new skill or use your skills to help others in need, when you can.

Girls/Boys:
Your first crush might take you by surprise, it might give you butterflies. It’s okay if it’s someone who is the same gender, it’s okay if it’s the girl next door. It’s okay.

Academics: 
Try your hardest, do your best, have a plan, set your goals, and do your best to reach them. Then put the books away and spend time with your family and friends, or do something that makes you happy, but has no real purpose. It’s good to challenge yourself, to push yourself. It’s also good to know when to take a break, and when to be okay with not always getting it right. Learn from your mistakes when you can.


Hygiene/Cleanliness: 
Shower. Every single day. Floss and brush your teeth. Use deoderant. Shave and groom. Grooming is not just for women. These 5 things will take you far, trust me. Also, PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN! Wash your hands, fold some laundry. Do your laundry. Do it well. I hope you not only know how to fix a washer and dryer, but how to use one properly by the time you are an adult. Don’t ever expect anyone to pick up after you, and if they do, remember to thank them for it.

Farting:
  Is indeed funny, but not at the table. NOT  EVER AT THE TABLE.

Drugs and Alcohol:
  It’s natural to be curious, you won't be the first person to do something stupid  to fit in. That doesn’t make it okay or permissible, but it does make you human, and capable of learning from your choices. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help if you have put yourself in a state that renders you unable to function effectively. Whether you are 15 or 35. Don’t ever be afraid to call your mother, but don’t expect me to clean up your mess or make excuses for you, because I won’t.  When you're in adult, try to remember to keep most everything in moderation. Except for crack/meth and heroin. And for God’s sake, don’t ever challenge yourself with spices from my cabinet and post it on You-tube. Stupid is as stupid does.

Bullying:
  Nobody bullies worse than those who are bullied. Remember this. If you should ever have the misfortune of being made fun of, and you will - remember how much it sucked - and don’t ever do it to anyone else. Siblings, friends, the elderly, teachers, children, etc. No matter how much you think they deserve it, bite your tongue, or halt your fingers on the keyboard. People will always remember how you made them feel, whether you said it to their face or over the Internet. Also, try to have a sense of humor. Laugh at yourself, and for God’s sake - if you are going to dish it out and serve it up, be ready for your serving too, and take it. It’s okay to be sensitive, but try not to take yourself too seriously.

Parents: 
There will be times when you hate me. You might go through a phase in your life where you blame all your problems on me or your father. You will probably hold us under an intense microscope of scrutiny. That’s okay. Try not to dwell on it and let it consume you, however, try to learn from our mistakes. Do better.

Relationships:
They are difficult. They are complicated. Embrace the beginning stages of love and lust - enjoy them. They do not last. Remember that. You have to work to keep all that going. Sometimes, it is not worth your time, and sometimes someone will decide you are not worth their time, and things end. It hurts like hell, but it doesn’t last forever. Eventually, you will get past it, and you will hopefully learn from it. Treat your significant other how you would want them to treat you. Show them respect, give them your undivided attention, do things for them, even when you would rather not - and if they are worth your time - they will give you the same in return. I don’t care how un-manly it is - don’t ever forget birthdays and holidays, and if you do - make it up in spades. When times get hard, sit down, shut up, and hold on to one another. Listen to one another, even when it’s hard to hear. Apologize. Forgive. Know that yes, people can show you how to be happy, but they cannot MAKE you happy. I hope you find someone who you can get angry with, and fight with, and still love and respect when it is all said and done. Who pushes your buttons, and challenges you to be a better person, and makes you go to the doctor when you are in your sixties and you have chest pains. I hope you find someone who will tell you the truth, and not always what you want to hear, and that you will do the same for them. Most of all though, I hope you find someone who gives you something to smile about, who feeds your soul. Don’t ever settle for less than all of the above, but don’t ever expect or seek perfection in yourself or others. You will never find it, nor will you ever attain it.  Don't take people for granted, and don't ever take advantage of someone's good graces. It’s also okay if you don’t ever find that someone. That’s why you have family. We are like herpes. We always come back. We’re kind of always there. You will lord willing have friends like this too.

Happiness:
  Is a feeling. It comes and goes. It does get better. Hang in there. When you need help and you are in despair, ask for it. When you are feeling happiness in your life, savor it. But don’t ever expect any one person or any one thing to always give you happiness, it‘s not possible. It is far too much to ever expect of anybody. When you are NOT happy, do whatever you can and talk to whomever you can to change it, and take responsibility for what you may have done to cause it. Also, know that it is not the end of the world.

Winning: 
 Charlie Sheen is full of crap. Winning is not everything, and although you are MY perfect specimen - you are not the end all and be all in the world, and you are not always right, and you will not always win. Not everything you do is fantastic and amazing, and not always being acknowledged for something you do will not kill you. Sometimes you will lose, and sometimes you will be wrong. Take your hits and move on. Also, please don’t ever refer to yourself in the 3^rd person, ever. It’s not winning. At all. It’s only cute when Elmo does it.

Forgiveness of others and oneself:
  People make mistakes. They are human, just like you. When someone forgives you for something you did, remember that feeling, and pass it on to others. If someone has done something unspeakable, then let yourself get mad, try to handle it appropriately - then try to move on. Don’t let it consume you.

Having a Family:
  Is a huge responsibility, and it's for life. Whether you are in in your twenties, thirties, or forties. Your kids need you. If you want them to grow to love and respect you - take the time and play with them, teach them, discipline them. Be there, even if you feel that you aren’t needed or wanted. You are. Go to their games, help plan their birthday parties. Don’t take a backseat. Be a partner in raising them. Going out and having fun with the guys is great - but your family should always come first. Do your best to find that balance.

Family:
You can’t pick them, it’s true…but don’t ever take your family for granted. Rely on one another, support one another. Know when to say no, and know when to extend yourself. Know when to opt for the hotel room instead of the guest room. ;-) Sometimes it’s worth the extra cash. Most of all though, try to make it to some of those get togethers - as you get older, they become less and less frequent.

Friends:
  In order to keep them, you must tend to them. Like all relationships. See above.

Most of all, and more than anything. I love each and every one of you. Now go forth, and be good humans.




　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　



　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

　

It Is None of Your Business....

(It is none of your business what others think about you).  I am really trying to put those words to good use in my head these days.  I have this overwhelming need to explain myself, all the time.  I don't know if it's because I'm afraid that people won't like me, or that they will misunderstand me.  I think mostly it's that I just don't want to be misinterpreted, or for things to be misconstrued?  I'm not a people pleaser at all.

Ah well.  Whatever. 

I do love that quote though.  It is ringing so true in my life these days.  When things fall apart, people talk.  People say things.  People say things about you.  They are hurtful and awful things, (cuts like a knife) kind of hurtiful, and there really is not much that you can do about it. (Yes, I just made up the word hurtiful).  There is not much you can do about it, other than walk away from it, and not entertain it.  It is none of your business.  I kind of like that for today, for the week. 

Here's another favorite.

Updates on my kiddos....

Chris' daughter is officially driving with an official driver's license, nearly 17.  Amazing, that girl is, and one hell of a babysitter. 

Naomi is thriving and just started her sophomore year of high school.   She's enjoying all the perks of living with the grandparents, with a few rules sprinkled in, but she's happy, and her new school gives out ipads to all their students.  For crying out loud.  I'm about to go THERE, and dole out a "Back in My Day" quote...but I'll save it. 

Reggie just slept in his big boy bed for the first time tonight!  Hooray for milestones!  And he just had his first haircut.  Love this monkey. 

Christopher is just starting to take his first steps.  Hard to believe that my baby is almost not a baby anymore.  I am happy to say, that we survived the plague of 2013, and both boys are officially back on the regularity pooping train.  On to the next illness!  I wonder what new miseries await us this upcoming year.

Hope everyone had some enjoyable moments this summer.  I know that we have certainly enjoyed the sun, but we're gearing up for the rain up here in the... 

North West.

Grey

That's just how life feels these days.  I don't mean to be depressing and a total downer, but life right now is just grey.  There are certainly not 50 shades of them, by any means.  I am kind of in a state of grief.  I'm grieving over the life I had with a person that I really, really loved, and still do.  I'm grieving over a future that I dreamed of for our boys, that will not be happening.  I'm still so angry that they will be splitting their holidays, their vacations, their everything, between two parents, for the next several years.  I'm angry, because it's not what I wanted for them, because I had some convoluted idea about how they were going to grow up, and how our lives would be - and now that is not going to happen, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it from unraveling. 

Then I pause, and I just breathe, I take it all in.  Because if there is anything that I have learned through life, it's that I cannot blame my unhappiness on the choices, decisions, or actions of others.  Not forever, at least.   For now, I am grieving.  My life is on hold.  Our lives are on hold, because 5 years and two children do not afford a clean break and a fresh start.  There is no "New Beginning" that will be happening here.  It is a mess.  It is broken shards of glass embedded in the cracks and crevices of our present and everyday life.  Some pieces are so tiny, they look like little flecks of glitter when the sun hits them just right, but they sting to the touch.  The closer I look, the more tiny little slivers I see, that I hadn't before.  They just keep appearing.  Little unknown revelations coming to light, reminding me that possibly they have been there all along, yet I was too hopeful and optimistic to notice their existence.  I have to acknowledge that in the long run, maybe it is better that this is all happening now, and not when young little eyes and ears will remember things that they wish they could forget.

I want to spare them that pain at least.  I know, as well as any of us who have been through a divorce or break-up, when there are children involved, it's agonizing.  Even more so, when our kids are old enough to know what is happening.  So many books have been written, so many studies done.  It's all white noise when it comes to the reality of what it really does to our kids.  It's a leap of faith - when you are the one making the call - if you know that in the long run, it's what's best, and you do your best to help your kids navigate through it, but it's never clean, and it's never without collateral damage.   All that pain, and all that hurt - would still be there, divorce/break-up or not.  It just isn't exposed in such an abrupt way. 

So for now, I'm letting the sun in, even though everything feels grey.  I'm letting the light come in and just expose everything for what it is, and I'm/we're getting through it.  In our own ways.

Looking forward to the day when things start to feel like they are in motion again.  Even if it's backward, at least we will all be moving in some direction.

When You Slide Into First....

We all know how that one ends, and so does every fourth grader on the planet.  I cannot and will not even begin to describe the smells that I have been subjected to this last week from my two sweet little boys.  All I can say is that - I'm so glad we have held off on potty training Sir Reg, because this last week would have been a major setback, full of confusion,  scary squirts, screams, missed targets, and a year's worth of Spot Shot.  Which, by the way, I am very disappointed in.  I think I would have been better off with club soda and baking soda.   My carpet looks like it is home to a plethora of animals who shit and piss freely.  I have no animals, and I do not let my kids have bodily functions at will on my carpet, it just looks like I do.   I swear it's from those damn sippy cups with their false advertisement of no spilling - and probably the fact that I gave up on banning snacks in the living room the first time Reggie got sick.  I swear he smears his crackers into the carpet when I am not looking.  His little brother is no innocent either.  I've seen him dribble his milk and dangle his bottle upside down from his exersaucer more than once.  While laughing.  Not to mention, Topher laughs like Beavis.  I've been meaning to get it on tape.  I will upload something soon, and hopefully it gets a million hits and we get a commercial deal or something.  I'm aiming high.

 

That all being said.  I hate carpet.  Most of all, I hate my carpet.  I hate that it's in my dining room, and I would give my right arm, well no, left.  I would give my left arm for wood or vinyl floors.  Okay, maybe just my left pinky.   Someday.....

I think I kind of lost track on what on earth this post was even supposed to be about.  Maybe that, when your kids are sick - and you are too, you kind of just go into "Anything Goes" mode.  My apartment is a wreck right now, it looks like the couch is eating the laundry, and I'm pretty sure that something died in the garbage disposal.  I think that we are all just kind of letting the small stuff go right now, or at least trying to. 

Oh, and warning, there is some really nasty ass bacterial thing going around, and it's highly contagious.  So yeah, use those wipes at the grocery store - and sing happy birthday when you wash your hands.  No more half-assing it.  No foam, no point.  The soap needs to foam.  Otherwise, you may as well just walk past the faucet and stick your fingers in your mouth and your butt all day long, while touching everything in sight in all the public places you visit.


Also, steer clear of small children.  They harbor all kinds of un-godly things.  Unless you have some of your own, then just hope and pray for the best, which didn't really work for me this time around.  The boys refuse to wear a mask, (I don't know how MJ pulled this off with his kids) and they only wash their hands when I force them to.   ;-)