Grey

That's just how life feels these days.  I don't mean to be depressing and a total downer, but life right now is just grey.  There are certainly not 50 shades of them, by any means.  I am kind of in a state of grief.  I'm grieving over the life I had with a person that I really, really loved, and still do.  I'm grieving over a future that I dreamed of for our boys, that will not be happening.  I'm still so angry that they will be splitting their holidays, their vacations, their everything, between two parents, for the next several years.  I'm angry, because it's not what I wanted for them, because I had some convoluted idea about how they were going to grow up, and how our lives would be - and now that is not going to happen, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it from unraveling. 

Then I pause, and I just breathe, I take it all in.  Because if there is anything that I have learned through life, it's that I cannot blame my unhappiness on the choices, decisions, or actions of others.  Not forever, at least.   For now, I am grieving.  My life is on hold.  Our lives are on hold, because 5 years and two children do not afford a clean break and a fresh start.  There is no "New Beginning" that will be happening here.  It is a mess.  It is broken shards of glass embedded in the cracks and crevices of our present and everyday life.  Some pieces are so tiny, they look like little flecks of glitter when the sun hits them just right, but they sting to the touch.  The closer I look, the more tiny little slivers I see, that I hadn't before.  They just keep appearing.  Little unknown revelations coming to light, reminding me that possibly they have been there all along, yet I was too hopeful and optimistic to notice their existence.  I have to acknowledge that in the long run, maybe it is better that this is all happening now, and not when young little eyes and ears will remember things that they wish they could forget.

I want to spare them that pain at least.  I know, as well as any of us who have been through a divorce or break-up, when there are children involved, it's agonizing.  Even more so, when our kids are old enough to know what is happening.  So many books have been written, so many studies done.  It's all white noise when it comes to the reality of what it really does to our kids.  It's a leap of faith - when you are the one making the call - if you know that in the long run, it's what's best, and you do your best to help your kids navigate through it, but it's never clean, and it's never without collateral damage.   All that pain, and all that hurt - would still be there, divorce/break-up or not.  It just isn't exposed in such an abrupt way. 

So for now, I'm letting the sun in, even though everything feels grey.  I'm letting the light come in and just expose everything for what it is, and I'm/we're getting through it.  In our own ways.

Looking forward to the day when things start to feel like they are in motion again.  Even if it's backward, at least we will all be moving in some direction.

When You Slide Into First....

We all know how that one ends, and so does every fourth grader on the planet.  I cannot and will not even begin to describe the smells that I have been subjected to this last week from my two sweet little boys.  All I can say is that - I'm so glad we have held off on potty training Sir Reg, because this last week would have been a major setback, full of confusion,  scary squirts, screams, missed targets, and a year's worth of Spot Shot.  Which, by the way, I am very disappointed in.  I think I would have been better off with club soda and baking soda.   My carpet looks like it is home to a plethora of animals who shit and piss freely.  I have no animals, and I do not let my kids have bodily functions at will on my carpet, it just looks like I do.   I swear it's from those damn sippy cups with their false advertisement of no spilling - and probably the fact that I gave up on banning snacks in the living room the first time Reggie got sick.  I swear he smears his crackers into the carpet when I am not looking.  His little brother is no innocent either.  I've seen him dribble his milk and dangle his bottle upside down from his exersaucer more than once.  While laughing.  Not to mention, Topher laughs like Beavis.  I've been meaning to get it on tape.  I will upload something soon, and hopefully it gets a million hits and we get a commercial deal or something.  I'm aiming high.

 

That all being said.  I hate carpet.  Most of all, I hate my carpet.  I hate that it's in my dining room, and I would give my right arm, well no, left.  I would give my left arm for wood or vinyl floors.  Okay, maybe just my left pinky.   Someday.....

I think I kind of lost track on what on earth this post was even supposed to be about.  Maybe that, when your kids are sick - and you are too, you kind of just go into "Anything Goes" mode.  My apartment is a wreck right now, it looks like the couch is eating the laundry, and I'm pretty sure that something died in the garbage disposal.  I think that we are all just kind of letting the small stuff go right now, or at least trying to. 

Oh, and warning, there is some really nasty ass bacterial thing going around, and it's highly contagious.  So yeah, use those wipes at the grocery store - and sing happy birthday when you wash your hands.  No more half-assing it.  No foam, no point.  The soap needs to foam.  Otherwise, you may as well just walk past the faucet and stick your fingers in your mouth and your butt all day long, while touching everything in sight in all the public places you visit.


Also, steer clear of small children.  They harbor all kinds of un-godly things.  Unless you have some of your own, then just hope and pray for the best, which didn't really work for me this time around.  The boys refuse to wear a mask, (I don't know how MJ pulled this off with his kids) and they only wash their hands when I force them to.   ;-)

This Was Not My Plan

 Thanks, Tom Petty.  I would listen to your song right now, but yeah...no.  Just, no.  Between you and The Fray, and that Jar of Hearts song.  No more.   

I think it's these times in life when we wish that we could sit back and reflect, but we just can't.  We can't because we have children to tend to, bills to pay, and well, bills.  Lots of them. 

Life has not been easy these days, and I wish I could reflect, but I can't.  I want to sit in this chair and write it all out.  I want to just puke it all up and be done with it.  Everything goes by so fast.  Someday, I'll be that old lady (Lord willing) sitting in a chair and reading a book uninterrupted, or writing out all my memories that time has fogged over and somehow made a little less harsh and a little more pleasant.  For now though, I welcome the interruption and the distractions that my children bring. 

I don't know why, and I can't even explain the how.  I think I am still recovering from the shock.  I am going to be a single mom again, and the road is very uncertain.  A part of me is welcoming this new journey with a guarded heart.  The other part is scared to death, because this was not my plan.  This was not our plan.  You know what they say about plans.

 Yet, this is real, and I'm all about real.  Right now, I kind of need to get real.


I have been waiting with bated breath for  months now, waiting for this to not be the case.  Waiting for a turn in  events.  Waiting for a spoken word - a chance at reconciliation.  And I will probably still wait for quite sometime, as futile as it may be.  It's what my heart wants.  To wait and not quite yet accept what is truly happening.  I think that's all a part of the process.  All I know is that I really. really, suck at this.   I suck at being alone, probably because it's been so long since I was not tied to or connected to another human being.  However, it's the hand that life is dealing me right now - and I am going to play it the best I can.  Stumbling along the way, trying to figure it all out. 

I'm also kind of writing a lot these days, which is no surprise...am I right, Taylor?  Adele?  I'm actually starting a novel, which probably won't get finished, and will never make it past Microsoft Word, but it's kind of keeping me sane right now - and it's sort of fantastically free flowing from my brain. 

 

 

 

When there are children, it is so devastating.  It really is.  However, it is not the end of our story, and it's not the end of a happy life.  It may be a door that has closed, but somewhere - there's another door, maybe a window that leads to roads less traveled, and opportunities that never would have come to light otherwise. 

 

For now, that's all I've got. 

 

Oh, and a shitload of laughs from Pinterest, because laughing helps. 

 

 

 

I do.  Absolutely do declare them.  They are a must.