I love that so many bloggers and writers are doing this right now, mostly because if you are a parent, you know that more than anything, you want to give your child all the wisdom in the world, but no matter what, they are going to fall and they are going to stumble through life, trying to get it right. Just like you have and still are. You want to help shape and mold them into fully functioning, productive, and caring adults. You want it all, but you never will...have it all. Neither will your kids. Kids grow up. The process is really freaking difficult, and sometimes almost unbearable. A lot of it is wonderful too. They become who they are, sometimes in spite of you, and sometimes because of you, or sometimes just because, because life happens, and it changes us, and it is scary just how little control we really have. There are no guarantees.
Someone told me the other day, that mothers weren’t as important as fathers when it comes to raising boys. I disagree. I believe we are just as important as fathers. I also believe the same to be true for girls regarding their fathers. Children need their parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, family and friends. Our children need us - regardless of our gender. So as their mother, I put together some words of wisdom for my boys. I certainly can’t cover everything, but I think I’ve covered a few essentials. I don't expect them to live by any of these words when they become men, that is for them to decide. However, I hope they will process some of it, if not most of it, and use it in their lives. That is my hope. Also, some of this rings true for my daughter as well, but hers is a separate letter, between the two of us, that is still being written.
Even if I don’t have a penis, I do have a brain, and I have a few things to teach them as they go through life. I know they have a few things to teach me as well.
Disclaimer: These are just my values, and my thoughts. I certainly don't expect them to be validated or shared by anyone.
Be courteous to people when you can. Chivalry applies not just for women, but children, elders, and for all God's creatures. It is not dead, and may you be proof of that. Respect women, respect other respecting men, respect children, respect life. Respect.
Crying:
It’s okay to do it, whenever you need to. Don’t buy into the BS that men don’t cry. A real man is not afraid to show his emotions, or to respect the emotions of others. Empathy is a beautiful thing to give and to receive. Remember that most women are more emotional than men. Also, don’t ever tell a woman you love, who is telling you how she feels, to calm down, or that she is overreacting. NO MATTER WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. If a woman you love and care about starts crying, just hug her and tell her it’s okay. Then shut up and listen. Trust me on that one. It will save you so much trouble.
Honesty:
Try your best to be honest and trustworthy. It’s true what they say about white lies. Now, if she asks you how her ass looks in those jeans - and all you can think is “HUGE”. Then for your sake and for hers. Lie. Save yourself.
Fears and Anxieties:
Everyone has them. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. Try to give yourself the time and space to figure them out, and let others help you through it - but try not to run away from them. Talk about them with someone you can trust.
Sex:
Is not the end all and be all of your life, and not everyone is having it when you are in high school. It can be something amazing and wonderful with someone that you really care about. Also, no means no. Sleeping around does not make you a stud, or a man. It just puts you at a higher risk for STD’s. Kissing and telling is okay if you’re talking about kissing, and you are respectful. Bragging about sex, like it’s another notch on your belt, and not a human being just makes you look like a douche bag. Whether you are 18 or 38. Sleeping around certainly is not a crime, but it is not normal and healthy behavior either, no matter what you hear and see on TV and the Internet. Also, protect yourself like your life depended on it, because it does. Trust me.
Fighting:
“He hit me first” is always the kiss of death. When people say stupid shit, ignore that shit. If someone sucker-punches you, you don’t have to, but it’s okay to defend yourself. Survival Instincts are there for a reason.
Respecting The Old:
The elderly are not people that we EVER make fun of. Show them compassion and try to be helpful, even if they are rude or senile, someday that could very well be you in that wheelchair. Be respectful, be helpful. Always try to say “No Sir” and “Yes ma’am” when appropriate.
Technology:
It is always changing, it will be far more advanced by the time you read this. Just remember, human beings - and actual contact and interaction with them, should always take precedence over any game or device that requires you to stare at a screen. Life is made up of so many moments, wrapped up in minutes and hours - that define who we are, that shape us and make up our character.
Hard Work:
It never killed anyone, and it certainly will not kill you. Never waste an opportunity to learn a new skill or use your skills to help others in need, when you can.
Girls/Boys:
Your first crush might take you by surprise, it might give you butterflies. It’s okay if it’s someone who is the same gender, it’s okay if it’s the girl next door. It’s okay.
Academics:
Try your hardest, do your best, have a plan, set your goals, and do your best to reach them. Then put the books away and spend time with your family and friends, or do something that makes you happy, but has no real purpose. It’s good to challenge yourself, to push yourself. It’s also good to know when to take a break, and when to be okay with not always getting it right. Learn from your mistakes when you can.
Hygiene/Cleanliness:
Shower. Every single day. Floss and brush your teeth. Use deoderant. Shave and groom. Grooming is not just for women. These 5 things will take you far, trust me. Also, PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN! Wash your hands, fold some laundry. Do your laundry. Do it well. I hope you not only know how to fix a washer and dryer, but how to use one properly by the time you are an adult. Don’t ever expect anyone to pick up after you, and if they do, remember to thank them for it.
Farting:
Is indeed funny, but not at the table. NOT EVER AT THE TABLE.
Drugs and Alcohol:
It’s natural to be curious, you won't be the first person to do something stupid to fit in. That doesn’t make it okay or permissible, but it does make you human, and capable of learning from your choices. Don’t ever be afraid to ask for help if you have put yourself in a state that renders you unable to function effectively. Whether you are 15 or 35. Don’t ever be afraid to call your mother, but don’t expect me to clean up your mess or make excuses for you, because I won’t. When you're in adult, try to remember to keep most everything in moderation. Except for crack/meth and heroin. And for God’s sake, don’t ever challenge yourself with spices from my cabinet and post it on You-tube. Stupid is as stupid does.
Bullying:
Nobody bullies worse than those who are bullied. Remember this. If you should ever have the misfortune of being made fun of, and you will - remember how much it sucked - and don’t ever do it to anyone else. Siblings, friends, the elderly, teachers, children, etc. No matter how much you think they deserve it, bite your tongue, or halt your fingers on the keyboard. People will always remember how you made them feel, whether you said it to their face or over the Internet. Also, try to have a sense of humor. Laugh at yourself, and for God’s sake - if you are going to dish it out and serve it up, be ready for your serving too, and take it. It’s okay to be sensitive, but try not to take yourself too seriously.
Parents:
There will be times when you hate me. You might go through a phase in your life where you blame all your problems on me or your father. You will probably hold us under an intense microscope of scrutiny. That’s okay. Try not to dwell on it and let it consume you, however, try to learn from our mistakes. Do better.
They are difficult. They are complicated. Embrace the beginning stages of love and lust - enjoy them. They do not last. Remember that. You have to work to keep all that going. Sometimes, it is not worth your time, and sometimes someone will decide you are not worth their time, and things end. It hurts like hell, but it doesn’t last forever. Eventually, you will get past it, and you will hopefully learn from it. Treat your significant other how you would want them to treat you. Show them respect, give them your undivided attention, do things for them, even when you would rather not - and if they are worth your time - they will give you the same in return. I don’t care how un-manly it is - don’t ever forget birthdays and holidays, and if you do - make it up in spades. When times get hard, sit down, shut up, and hold on to one another. Listen to one another, even when it’s hard to hear. Apologize. Forgive. Know that yes, people can show you how to be happy, but they cannot MAKE you happy. I hope you find someone who you can get angry with, and fight with, and still love and respect when it is all said and done. Who pushes your buttons, and challenges you to be a better person, and makes you go to the doctor when you are in your sixties and you have chest pains. I hope you find someone who will tell you the truth, and not always what you want to hear, and that you will do the same for them. Most of all though, I hope you find someone who gives you something to smile about, who feeds your soul. Don’t ever settle for less than all of the above, but don’t ever expect or seek perfection in yourself or others. You will never find it, nor will you ever attain it. Don't take people for granted, and don't ever take advantage of someone's good graces. It’s also okay if you don’t ever find that someone. That’s why you have family. We are like herpes. We always come back. We’re kind of always there. You will lord willing have friends like this too.
Happiness:
Is a feeling. It comes and goes. It does get better. Hang in there. When you need help and you are in despair, ask for it. When you are feeling happiness in your life, savor it. But don’t ever expect any one person or any one thing to always give you happiness, it‘s not possible. It is far too much to ever expect of anybody. When you are NOT happy, do whatever you can and talk to whomever you can to change it, and take responsibility for what you may have done to cause it. Also, know that it is not the end of the world.
Winning:
Charlie Sheen is full of crap. Winning is not everything, and although you are MY perfect specimen - you are not the end all and be all in the world, and you are not always right, and you will not always win. Not everything you do is fantastic and amazing, and not always being acknowledged for something you do will not kill you. Sometimes you will lose, and sometimes you will be wrong. Take your hits and move on. Also, please don’t ever refer to yourself in the 3rd person, ever. It’s not winning. At all. It’s only cute when Elmo does it.
Forgiveness of others and oneself:
People make mistakes. They are human, just like you. When someone forgives you for something you did, remember that feeling, and pass it on to others. If someone has done something unspeakable, then let yourself get mad, try to handle it appropriately - then try to move on. Don’t let it consume you.
Having a Family:
Is a huge responsibility, and it's for life. Whether you are in in your twenties, thirties, or forties. Your kids need you. If you want them to grow to love and respect you - take the time and play with them, teach them, discipline them. Be there, even if you feel that you aren’t needed or wanted. You are. Go to their games, help plan their birthday parties. Don’t take a backseat. Be a partner in raising them. Going out and having fun with the guys is great - but your family should always come first. Do your best to find that balance.
Family:
You can’t pick them, it’s true…but don’t ever take your family for granted. Rely on one another, support one another. Know when to say no, and know when to extend yourself. Know when to opt for the hotel room instead of the guest room. ;-) Sometimes it’s worth the extra cash. Most of all though, try to make it to some of those get togethers - as you get older, they become less and less frequent.
Friends:
In order to keep them, you must tend to them. Like all relationships. See above.
Most of all, and more than anything. I love each and every one of you. Now go forth, and be good humans.
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